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This web site will cure you of all the above
mentioned afflictions and more. Millions of self help books are
sold every year. You will see when you read on that these books
are all unnecessary useless bullshit. The people who buy, read and
write them are idiots and jerks. This brief web site, with only
2775 words, contains everything you need to know to transform your
life. The average verbose Self Help book contains twenty times
more words. This web site will put all the other self help books
out of business with its concise, practical advise.
Have you ever bought a self help book? Then you are a
dummy and you have come to the right place. This web site will
change your life. But then maybe it won't. If you are such a
pathetic wreck that you have bought a self help book before maybe
you are beyond help. Go kill yourself. There is no hope for you.
But read this web site anyway. This is your last chance. It won't
take too long and if I manage to knock some sense in your stupid
head you won't need jump off a bridge after all. So pull yourself
up by the bootstraps you pitiful moron and read on. First, go and
commit all of those other self help books to the flames. I am
talking about all diet books, healing the inner self type garbage,
all books on curing your addictions: Get rid of them. This web
site is the only thing you will ever need.
How to Lose Weight
You fat blob.
Don't tell me you were so stupid that you bought a diet book?
Mamma Mia! No one needs any of those ridiculous books or programs
to lose weight. If you have any of those books throw them in the
recycle bin right now. I will tell you in this paragraph
everything you need to know about losing weight and getting into
good shape. You do not need that other crap. In fact, if you have
ever been so stupid to pay money to any of those companies and
went on a diet program you are probably beyond redemption. Go kill
yourself. Here is how to lose weight: Load a backpack up with 60
pounds of rocks. Put on the pack and walk up a steep trail for
45-55 minutes a day. You don't even need to do it every day. Take
two or three days off a week. If you don't get into shape after
several weeks keep at it and eat less garbage. There—simple
isn't it?
Depression
I am sick about hearing
about these milksops who are always depressed. Are you depressed?
Poor little fucking baby. Don't whine to me. Why shouldn't you be
depressed? What is so terrible about being depressed? The world is
screwed up. Our planet is overpopulated and billions are starving;
mass extinctions are taking place. Even without social and
environmental havoc you get old and sick. Maybe you'll get a
terrible disease. Sooner or later you'll die—probably an
agonizing death and most likely no one will even care. With all
the screwed up things in the world you think you should be chipper
and happy with a positive attitude? Give me a break. A Dale
Canegie jerk with a positive attitude is even worse then a
depressed whiner like you. (By the way, if you have any of those
utterly stupid Dale Carnegie books get rid of them.) What right do
you have to whine that you are depressed when you not nearly as
bad off and out of touch with reality as one of those positive
attitude jerks? (Even though you still are pathetic.) Now think
about that. Are you still whining that you are depressed? If so go
kill yourself right now—there is no hope for you.
For everyone life has its ups and downs—live
with it. I never go into deep depression. Why? Because depression
is for limp wristed pansies like you. How ignoble. Don't tell me
you take one of those drugs like Prozac. You little wimp—you
can't take life. You need to dope up your stupid piddley mind. Get
off that crap right now and take life unadorned like a man. And
that goes for the women also.
I don't get depressed, I get angry. Instead of
whimpering, "I'm depressed." Get angry. If enough people
got angry then maybe more people would take action instead of
wallowing around being depressed. Then we'd see some improvement
around here and there would less to be depressed about, you moron.
Relationships
The thing with
relationships is that they involve other people. You can't even
control yourself and you want to control other people? Why don't
you worry about getting yourself under control? If you master all
the steps in this web site and get your pathetic self in gear then
you think you will get your relationships with your mate, friends
and family in order? You want to know what to do with your
relationships? First of all, if anyone is related to you, or if
anyone is stupid enough to be your friend or mate they are
probably sick in the head. If these people have messed up heads
how can you expect to have a healthy relationship with these
people? So what do you do with these people to grow and nurture
your loving relationships? Tell them all to fuck off.
Excuses
Critics will say "you
are insensitive to people's problems"; "Parents and
mates have tormented and abused me leaving emotional scars."
Excuses! You don't want to deal with life you losers! Look at
Stephen Hawkings—confined to a wheel chair. Do you hear him
whining, "I was struck with Lou Gherick's disease so I became
a heroin addict and a compulsive overeater"? Or did Helen
Keller say, "I was so emotionally scared from blindness and
deafness that I became a chronic smoker and alcoholic and
entangled myself in unhealthy relationships with the wrong men"?
No, these people went ahead with their lives—amazing ones at
that. Everyone had something rotten happen to them. You can't tell
me that whatever happened to you was worse than being totally
paralyzed or deaf dumb and blind. Go on with your life you wimp.
It's amazing how many people I have known, who are sometimes even
in their 40s and 50s, who whine about how their parents fucked
them up. You are morons! It's just an excuse for your pitiful life
that is only your fault. Whatever happened to you, or whatever bad
situation you were in, other people have had it worse and they
still go on without being a pathetic problem plagued jerk like
you. So shut up already.
The Power of Negative Thinking
Fuck
positive attitudes. If it weren't for negative people complaining
and changing the world for the better, the positive people would
have nothing to be positive about.
Cigarette Smoking
You say you want to
quit smoking? OK, just stop right now. You godamned idiot. Don't
give me crap like, "It's not so easy." Fuck you! It is
easy! Just stop. What is so difficult about that? It's not like
cigarettes are like air or water and you'll die without them. If
you are thinking, "Yes, they are like air and water because I
am addicted," then fuck you! I hope you continue smoking and
die of cancer. Don't give me your crap. Just stop or shut up.
For
those people that say it's too hard to quit smoking: It's going to
be a lot harder laying in a hospital bed dying of cancer.
Alcohol
Just like with cigarettes:
Just stop. Smokers perhaps like puffing smoke. With alcohol what
is there to like? The vomiting? The dizziness? Slurring your
speech and coming off like the true idiot you are? A headache the
next morning? Do you think your beer belly is attractive? You
can't tell me that any of that shit besides some beer and wine
tastes good. If you are an alcoholic you must be a masochist.
Maybe you are torturing yourself because you realize you are a
stupid drunk, so you have become even more drunk and stupid.
Perhaps you often wake up, vomit covered in the gutter with a
headache and say to yourself, "I must quit." If you have
truly decided you want to torture yourself less or prevent your
skin from turning yellow from your diseased liver try this: Find a
healthier way to torture yourself. Go to a gym and volunteer as
punching bag. Go find a leather clad transvestite mistress who
will chain you up and whip you until bloody lacerations cover your
body. Listen to country music all day. (Millions engage in this
form of self inflicted torture to ward off alcoholism.) Take a
daily swim in the local sewage treatment plant. There are million
less harmful ways than getting soused to torture yourself. If you
are serious about becoming less masochistic then you can curtail
torturing yourself. So just shut up and stop torturing yourself or
I hope you are the next passed out bum on the curb that some
juvenile delinquents pour gas on and light on fire.
How To Cure Yourself From Addiction To Crank Or
Methamphetamines
You ingested into your body something
that is made with more deadly chemicals than a toxic waste dump
and you are going to listen to a reasonable argument about
anything? There is no hope for you. Please eat a pound of that
poison shit you are addicted to and kill yourself. You will be
better off and so will everyone that knows you.
How To Cure Yourself From Addiction To Heroin
and Cocaine
Everyone one knows that these two drugs are
highly addictive and ruin your life. But you went ahead took these
drugs anyway--not just one or two times, but several times. If you
had any brains you would have stayed away from the stuff in the
first place. So, not only are you addicted to heroin or cocaine,
but you are also stupid! Do you really want to go through life as
a stupid junkie? You probably don't like yourself too much and
rightfully so, because no one else does either. So let's sum up
the situation: 1) You're a dumbshit; 2) You are addicted to drugs;
3) No one likes you. Please shoot up a wad of cocaine or heroin up
your nose and OD already. Everyone is getting tired of you hanging
around here on planet Earth. Go take a final flying fuck to cloud
nine and decrease the parasite population, please!
Why This Site Is So Brief Compared To The
Multitude of Self Help Books
Because all of these
problems are very simple to get rid of. You made them complex you
moron. You made big problems out of nothing because you are a
neurotic jerk. You have wasted a lot of time and energy on all of
your stupid little problems and made them into a mountain of
nattering neurosis'. How would you like a real problem—like
maybe getting cancer? Just shut the fuck up already with your
stupid piddly problems. You want some real problems? I'll come
over right now and slug you in the face and break your jaw. Then
you might get an idea of what a real problem is. Every topic in
this book that you whine about is simple to fix and that is why
this web site is so brief. Why, you wonder, are there so many big
books that go on and on about these topics? Because morons with
diarrhea of mouth and pen who say nothing but bullshit write for
morons like you who have diarrhea of the brain. And you are all
stupid enough to buy the bullshit. Mamma mia! Wake up already you
ignoramus!
Compassion
Not too long ago I was in
a lumber yard. A salesman Dan, who is also a friend of mine, was
up on a 20 foot platform getting some wood for me. Another worker
there was driving a forklift and moving some wood right next to
the wood that I needed. Dan asked the forklift driver to take 10
seconds from what he was doing to bring down the wood I needed so
we wouldn't kill ourselves packing the wood down 20 feet. The
forklift operator said to Dan, "Screw you! I've got to move
some wet wood outside to dry."
"Did you know that it's February and 5:00 and
that the sun is going down in fifteen minutes?" replied Dan
as the forklift driver drove off and said, "Screw you!"
once again.
He handed a box of cedar shakes down to me but it was
a long reach. The box crashed to the ground, the shakes spilled
out of the box and many split into shreds.
"Why don't you fire that fork lift driver?"
I asked Dan.
Dan has been studying Buddhism. Wanting to emulate the
Buddha he said, "I should try to understand his point of
view. Maybe he had some reason for doing that and I will show him
compassion."
Then I thought, "Perhaps I should be
compassionate in my life toward others."
Here I have been deriding you readers because you have
sought help for your personal problems. Maybe I should be
compassionate and understand your needs to seek assistance and
support in this self help web site. But then on second thought,
no. You readers are pathetic. You expect anyone in their right
mind to have compassion and sympathy for your stupid problems? If
Buddha knew you Buddhism would have never came about. He would
given up any hope of improving man's lot after meeting a pathetic
piece of crap like you. Pull yourself together you miserable
shithead.
Anger Management
Here is what I say
to those people running these anger management classes and writing
self help books about anger: Fuck You! With jerks like you running
around you expect people not to be angry? If you are not angry in
this messed up world you probably had a frontal lobotomy. And what
the fuck do you mean by, "Management?" Anger is a
symptom of having idiots like you around as snot is a symptom of a
cold. To deal with snot you must deal with the cause: the cold
virus. Since you can't do much about the cold virus you just wait
for the virus to die. You anger management jerks are the virus. If
you kill yourselves we will all be less angry without you morons
around.
Problem Gambling
Are you a gambler
that has blown thousands? You are hooked on the excitement of
risking your dough. The problem with you gamblers is that you lack
excitement in your dull lives and gambling is the way for you to
get your jolllies. Just quit gambling and find something less
costly to do for a thrill. Jump out of an airplane, dive in the
ocean and wrestle a shark, go climb a peak in bare feet. Ask your
friends what they'd pay you to peel off your clothes and streak
though downtown. There are a hundred exciting things you can do
instead blowing your loot on bad odds you moron. Use your
imagination. If this fails do this: Bet someone who has little
faith in you, (probably everyone you know) that you will not
gamble for a year. Bet a lot of money. If you can't win that
challenge you're pathetic.
Why do they call it "Self Help?"
I
don't know why they call it "Self Help." If you could
actually help yourself you wouldn't need a self help book and you
probably wouldn't have these stupid problems in the first place.
The problem is that you can't help yourself because you are a
stupid blockhead. You need a nitwit book full of trendy
euphemisms. Mamma mia! You need someone to help you. You should be
ashamed. Go kill yourself.
Hemorrhoids
And I mentioned something
about curing hemorrhoids. Here's how: Start up a chain saw and
stick it up your ass!
Testimonials
Be the first on your block to write a testimonial on how this
web site has helped you overcome your problems and transformed your life.
Send me an email via the link on the bio page or at meltingclocktimes.com.
If you say something interesting I'll publish it here in the future. Mention
your name and hometown since it will look better on the page (and underscore
the fact that idiots are everywhere).
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