I was desperate before I found the ultimate self help web site. I was illiterate, could not hold a job, weighed over 250 lbs, (which is bad considering I am 4 feet tall.) and could not seem to find any hope for meaning in life. The testimonials and web site really helped because I realized pretty much everyone is a screwed up train wreck of disaster like myself. Accepting the fact that I was a screwed up mess just like the rest off society didn't change much. However, I realize I am not alone. I am part of a race of people who walk around with their heads up their butts due to their nature! Boy, that sure makes being a fat, illiterate, unemployed dwarf a lot easier!
Thanks Ultimate Self Help Website! Your 're the greatest!
Raoul Bing
Wheeling, Illonois

I chanced upon your website. To be honest, I was searching
for some "positive self-help tips" and the search engine
landed me onto your self-help page.
Boy...did I have a blast lapping up all that info on self-help.
I couldnt stop laughing. Checked out some of your other links
too and had a lot of fun.

I was almost tempted to send you a testimonial saying something
nice, but I changed my mind in the end. So, this is not a testimonial
saying you changed my life, but just a "hey...checked out your website
and it was cool, thank you" kind of mail.
Besides, you had this rider that I had to reveal my hometown in the
testimonial...Now, I wouldnt want my stupidity to reflect badly on my
hometown, would I ?
I might be a moron, but atleast I am a self-learnt moron and dont
attribute it to anything/body besides my own self.

Anil Kumar
(Name of town withheld, but there are few “Anils” and soon everyone there will know you're an idiot.)

When I first read your site I was desperate. Living six thousand miles away
from my home, I was lonely and depressed. After taking your words of wisdom
to heart I decided to take a simple route to solve my problems. I fucked off
back to the country I hauled my sorry ass from. I'm no happier, but at least
the surroundings are the right kind of grim for my particular kind of

Thank you Brian Friedkin and your wonderful site! You didn't change my life
for the better, but the beer is cheaper so I don't care any more.”
Alan Bates
Huddersfield, West Yorkshire, England.

"I write to thank you for your suggestions as listed on your self help webpage which I discovered recently. I have since lost 40kg in weight from walking up hills carrying bags of stones, being used as a human punching bag and being beaten up by every neighbour for playing country music 24/7. If I had any friends I could have someone to look after me. But since telling them all to fuck off, (remedy for relationship trouble) I am lying in this bed depressed & taking copious amounts of cocaine and heroin. Well, I must be off to try your remedys.”
Gavin Lovett
New Zealand 

"I've been a social worker for 10 years now, and never before have I come across such a comprehensive work guide as this. I have used it to guide my dealings with many useless assholes with easily solvable problems, and have only been hospitalised five times in the last month.
I would like to thank you for your contribution to this country's health and community care."
Ellie Barnes
London, England

"'The Ultimate Self Help Web Site' is the stupidest godamned crap I ever read in my life."
Joe Schemp
Hoboken, Oregon

"Before I stumbled accross, 'The Ultimate Self Help Web Site' I was a 300 lb. fat blob,
an alchoholic and a chain smoker. Now I weigh 305 lbs and I have taken up gambling."
Larry Fine
Springchickenfield, Oregon

"The problem I had was hemoroids. I followed the advice in the web site. It worked, but
it caused me more problems than it solved."
Fester Gutslime
Mayo Clinic

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